Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Quick, to the slutcave!
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Are we still banned from the library?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
