call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
We are two peas in an std pod
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
this hospital has no fireball
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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