need another drink. this is the easiest way
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Holy sore nipples Batman
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
