Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
