next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
