i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
