Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Randomize