what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
