my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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