I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
