why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
