I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
they're like a gay fantastic four
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
