Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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