i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
