every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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