i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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