i jhust puked up my retainher.
wrigley field is MILF paradise
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
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