Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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