Sry I called you an 8
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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