ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
