It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
