She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
