I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
