Michael Bay diarrhea
Redeem this text for a blowjob
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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