Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
