Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
