rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
