why didn't you poke me back
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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