Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
