Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
