So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
