You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
