sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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