Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
