cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
