Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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