I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
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