woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
