true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
