Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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