I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
