So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
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