Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Randomize
