He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Nicole vs. Life
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
