if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
