And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
