the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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