He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
