I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
