remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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