If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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