Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
