My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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