god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
