Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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