Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
