I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
