i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
