i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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