i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
