I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
