Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
