i think i have two assholes
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
