9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
she peed on how many people?
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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