I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
