hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
