My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
